It's really hard trying to be positive during this time of economic crisis. I worry about my mother who is dependant on Social Security. I worry about my husband and his job. I worry about my neice who is in the Air Force who won't get a check if America defaults. Its very hard. This economy is so bad it could get worse. Restaurants and other businesses could close. I think about the local grocery store we go to. It's so convenient to have yet if it closed we'd have to take the bus again. I don't want to do that.A modern depression would suck big time. I don't think Congress understands how serious this is. We can't afford another depression. We need to get out of Iraq and Afganistan and take care of our own. We need to take care of the elderly, homeless and children. Our educational system is getting the shaft because we can't afford to pay for it. There's so much waste in government we need to get rid of it and take care of those who are weak.
I was shocked and saddened at what happened in Norway. I don't understand how such a nutball can grow in a country as benign as Norway. The horror this man caused just to make a point is terrifying. It reminded me of 9/11 and the bombing in Oklahoma. I just don't understand these fanatics who are bent on killing the innocent to make a point. I just don't comprehend it. It made me think about the existence of evil in people. People are going to be evil and do evil things and it's not going to make any sense. Evil people don't think they are doing evil. They justify it and try to defend their evil deeds. Hitler didn't think he was evil. Niether did Stalin. The insurgents who hanged an 8 year old boy didn't think they were evil. It boggles the mind. I've hurt people and at the time I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was defending myself or taking care of myself. I felt like a victim so I justified it. Dr. Phil said that some people have a warrior gene that makes then especially agressive and violent. This kind of behavior must perpetuate because it ensures survival. I don't know how else to explain how people can be so evil.
This year has turned out to be a bad one for the economy. We need the government to come together and work toward the greater good. I am still hopeful that Congress will work out a plan and avert disaster. We need to tough it out for the next ten years and the government has got to learn to live within its means and cut waste.The government has to change the way it works. It's going to be hard but I think a balanced budget amendment is needed. I think we need the amendment as a form of self policing to get the government to live within it's means. We also need to reform the tax code so that it is fair.
I feel like as time goes on I lose things that used to give me pleasure. I used to sleep deeply and through the night. Now I takes naps during the day. I feel like I've been awake all the time. It's a frustrating feeling. I am diabetic so I can't have any sugar. I used to like smoothies and Starbucks and chocolate but no more. I can't enjoy reading the way I used to since my last manic episode. It's hard because reading books was such a comfort to me. I took pleasure in going to church to worship God but now I don't believe in God. It's really hard trying to be positive when the things that used to give me pleasure are out of reach.
I used to hate myself for having a sinful nature. I felt like I was crucifying Jesus all over again with my sins. I used to try so hard to stay sinless and faithful to God. It was excruciating. I couldn't always keep from sinning. I had to many weaknesses. I couldn't keep up with God's expectations. How was I supposed to keep joyful and thankful with this tightrope that I had to walk each day? It was impossible. I finally gave up. I couldn't stay sane and and a Christian at the same time. Something had to give. I thought being sane was more important that being a Christian.
I've been poor all my life. Life has been a struggle. I don't know why it is that people can suffer all their lives and other people have it easy. It's not fair. I guess that's why Communism developed. It was supposed to make it fair for everybody but that didn't happen. I'm used to going without and doing without things. I do miss working. I wish I had a part time job or something. It's hard because I don't sleep at the same time every day. I can't commit to a job right now. I don't see how volunteering would be any easier since I can't commit to a regular schedule. It's difficult living within my limitations.
If my diabetes gets worse we may not be able to afford the insulin. I don't want to be in that position so I will take care of myself and take my medication. I hate exercise but I will start today and go to the gym where we have a membership. Diabetes is a scary disease and I dread what it will do to my body. I try to do everything that I am supposed to do to manage my blood sugar but finances make it hard.
The Middle East is such a volatile place. We need to get out of there. We can't solve the problems that have been there for hundreds of years. I hope Obama gets re-elected so he can oversee the withdrawal of troops from that region. The hatred of us has just gotten worse over the years. I don't think being there any longer will fix anything. We can't play World Policman anymore we can't afford it. North Korea looks like our next problem anyway.
I don't know how much more I can take. The doctor said my cholesterol was very high and put me on a medication. I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack. I feel like this in inevitable because of my family history. I wish I could afford more medical treatment but it's out of the question. I wish the government would simply live within its means the way I have to. I just don't think it's in the cards for me to live past my 50th birthday.
I wish I could work so we didn't have to worry about money. We live paycheck to paycheck and can't keep a savings. We are barely living on one income. It's hard because one disaster to set us back and we would end up on the street. My anxiety about this is hard to live with. I worry all the time about money and having enough to cover our expenses. It's hard because I have so much time on my hands I just worry alot about our finances. I don't know what to do to get rid of this anxiety. I think I will always have this as long as I cannot contribute to our budget.
Life is a struggle and not always fair. If we default we will survive but what kind of nation will we be? I don't want to go there. I don't want to see the financial disaster that will happen. I don't want to end up on the street or see anyone I love end up there. It's really hard to get through this week without thinking about the worse case scenario. I just don't know how to get through this week except to take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
I'm thankful that my husband has been able to work and keep us off the streets but I need to find a way to make a living somehow so we can build a savings. I just can't stand the stress of living the way we have to because I haven't been able to work. I have to do something to change our financial situation. I will research writing and getting a part time job doing something I don't know .
Just expressing some random thoughts and feelings as we go through this stressful week. I really hope things work out and we can go forward. It's hard because I can't see the future. Even if I could see the future could I change it? I don't think so.