I have always been a reader. From the time I learned how to read I became a voracious reader. I especially became engrossed in books when I was a preteen. I loved fantasy and science fiction the best. I fell in love with the Dune series when I was 12. I also read Lord of the Rings but it was a little too advanced for me. Chronicles of Narnia were my favorite books. My mother would get books and magazines from the thrift store and I would read those too. The library was my second home. I loved the silence and the smell of books. I loved to read. When I read my problems disapeared. I no longer felt afraid or embarrassed. I wanted to go to college so I could read and learn some more. I was excited to go to college. I also read the Bible. It was so comforting to me. I was encouraged by a God who cared for me. I wanted to get baptized so I could experience this kind of love.
After my last manic episode in 2004 I had a different attitude toward reading. I just didn't have the attention span. It was hard to concentrate so I stopped reading books. This concerned my husband because he knew how much I used to read. I couldn't explain it. It was like my brain was burnt out and I couldn't read or write anything. I wrote a story in 2007 but that was during a hypomanic episode. I don't recall reading anything for years. I read some books by Barbara Kingsolver but that was it. I realize that my brain is behaving differently. I don't sleep very much, I have a short attention span. It's hard to stay focused on anything for more than 2 hours. It's very difficult for me at times. That's why I applied for disability. I knew I couldn't hold down a regular job anymore. The last several years have been a period of recovery for me. It's hard to admit that but it's true.
I keep telling myself I should write. I put it off and don't do anything. I am afraid that I will write bad stuff and get rejected. Also writing is very tedious to me. I used to enjoy writing papers and essays in school but after 2004 I just don't have the patience. I feel I should be doing something to show for a days work, though. I thought maybe I could write screenplays but it's been difficult getting started. I have ideas but I just can't bring myself to put them on paper. I don't know if I should force myself to write. Maybe that is what I should do. Set goals for myself. I was thinking of taking a class on screenwriting but we don't have the money right now.
I used to draw and paint alot then I stopped. Now I don't think I could draw anything even if I wanted to. I don't want to lose my reading and writing skills too. I am tired of going through a day and not having anything to show for it. It's very frustrating to go through a day and not have anything to show for it. I want to have a purpose and a meaning to my life. It's hard just existing and not doing anything. I feel like I am going through life without any purpose. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way anymore.