It's been a while since I have posted a blog. I was depressed for a while. It seemed like time just stopped and I couldn't move on with my life. I considered changing my meds but I don't think I can find anything better than what I have already been on. I am taking lithium and haldol and have for the last five years. I am very tired of my eratic sleep schedule. I stay up all night and nap during the day. It's very hard to endure psychologically. I feel like I am awake all the time and don't get much sleep.It's hard to determine just how much sleep I actually get. I know its less than four hours a day. It concerns me because of the potential of going manic at any time. I deal with alot of anxiety too. I don't like going outside the apartment much. I spend the night worrying and making up worst case scenarios in my head. Some days I am bored out of my mind. I spend alot of time on the computer web surfing. I don't like to read for some reason. I just don't find any pleasure in it anymore. My attention span is very short. I think this is connected to my last manic episode. Somehow my brain got rewired and I came down with insomnia and a lack of desire to read or write. I don't have much knowledge in neuroscience but somehow my brain acts differently now than it did before my last manic episode. I feel different emotionally, I act different, I am not the same person I was before that manic episode.
My husband's health insurance doesn't cover my bipolar because it is a pre-existing condition. This sucks because I have to pay for any mental health treatment out of my own pocket. I can't afford therapy so I just muddle through. It's really frustrating. I really do feel better after I write. I wish I had enough money to devote to painting. I think I would feel better if I could paint oil paintings. I feel trapped in a body that can't produce money for our household. We live paycheck to paycheck. We are two paychecks away from the street. It's very stressful. We don't have a car. Every time we go for groceries I am afraid that we will be hit by a car or something. I'd rather take a cab but my husband insists on taking a cart and hauling the groceries home by hand. It's embarrasing. I really feel poor without a car. It limits what I can do and where I can go. I really need to find a way to make some extra money. My student loans are coming due soon and I don't know how we can afford it. I might be able to keep my student loans deferred under unemployment but I don't know for how long.
I think I could write screenplays and blogs and write articles on different subjects to make money but these things take time. I'm nervous about putting my writing out there for critical review. I also don't want my work stolen by somebody who wanted to take advantage of me. I have a fear of being victimized somehow.
I just need to move on with my life. I feel as if my mental health is as good as its ever going to be. I can't find a cure for my eratic sleep habits so I need to just live with it. I need to become productive creatively just for my sanity if anything else. If I can make money from it that will be gravey.