Living With Insomnia

I have not been able to sleep through the night in five years. I usually stay up all night and sleep sometime during the day. I probably sleep an average of three to four hours a day. I find this very frustrating because it keeps me from being able to get a regular job. I have to find a way to make money from home because I can't work regular day hours. Not having a job is really frustrating because I have a lot of free time. We also struggle financially and that is also frustrating. I have decided to try my hand at surveys online and screenwriting. I can't start surveys online until May because of our financial situation.

Not being able to sleep is a trial psychologicaly. I find myself full of anxiety because I spend alot of time worrying about things that might happen. It's really hard because I don't feel normal anymore. My husband is the opposite. He can't get enough sleep. He works early in the morning and gets sleepy around eight o'clock at night. He goes to bed alone and I stay up at night. I hang out online or I watch a movie or two. I don't like to read late at night. I don't know why. I just don't have any desire to read anymore. Sometimes I go to bed just because I am tired of being awake. Sometimes I sleep and sometimes I do not.

Being awake most of the time is lonely. I can't call people late at night or early in the morning. If I post a comment on a forum it disapears after a few hours because nobody is reading it. I hate chat rooms. I can't watch videos because I have dial-up. The only thing I do online is search for information and read the news. I feel so alone most of the time. I hate going places by myself because I feel more alone than if I stay home.

I feel that my insomnia is related to my bipolar disorder. It started after my last manic episode five years ago. During my stay in the hospital I noticed that I couldn't sleep more than an hour or two at a time. Then when I got home I noticed that I would stay up all night. A couple of times I went to the emergency room because I thought I was having a manic episode. Then I realised that I was getting sleep just not at night. I can't afford a doctor to look into this. It's very frustrating. When I tried to get disability I told the judge that I had severe insomnia and couldn't hold a day job. When I got jury duty I told them the same thing. They dismissed me. I don't know why I couldn't persuade that disability judge.

Having insomnia is like being awake all the time. The sleep that I do get is so erratic that I feel as if I haven't slept at all. I get really frustrated because I can't know how much I sleep. I think it's about three to four hours a day. It might be more than that, I don't know. I know I dream so I figure that to dream would take at least an hour. I have two to three dreams a day so that's about three to four hours of sleep a day ,I think. I envy my husband who can sleep through the night. I just want to be normal. I don't know what I can do. I also think my thyroid might be a contributing factor in all this. I might be going through menapause too. I just can't afford alot of medical tests and bills right now. It's really frustrating but our health insurance doesn't cover much. If I get alot of blood work done it could cost over $200. We just can't afford that right now.

Having insomnia also kills my mood. I feel depressed more often. I just feel as if I am living in a bubble and everybody is walking past me. It's hard to describe. I don't feel normal like there is something wrong with me. It's hard to accept this as my new normal even though it has been five years. I can't believe it's been that long. I used to sleep alot. Sleep was my way of escaping the anxieties of my life. Since I can't rely on sleep like I used to I am much more anxious. I'm worried about my health. I worry that the insomnia might get chronic and that I could have a heart attack or stroke. I worry that I might start hallucinating or have another manic episode. I wish I could get some answers but they are out of my reach right now.